He is growing fast! At his 2 month check-up yesterday, he weighed 14 pounds 4 ounces -- although I was afraid perhaps he'd weigh even more -- and had grown from 20 inches at birth to 23 1/2 inches yesterday. Three and a half inches in 2 months-- it's amazing! He had his first shot, DTaP, and did well-- perhaps why he slept until 4 am last night without waking. Thrilling-- we'll see if the trend lasts.
Motherhood is not something I can yet really define. It's so far a blurry blend of extremely close observation of this new being's movements, sounds, and whims; burning nipples and breasts that have an aliveness to them that is not altogether pleasant; diaper dilemmas (e.g. which cloth diaper system works best? is it worth doing cloth while out and about? How to clean a poop stain that covers more than 50% of that adorable outfit?); a blossoming appreciation for an entirely new dimension emerging gin my still-newlywed husband, now also an adoring and doting father. He is a beautiful man, radiant it all. I love watching him with our baby.
When we flew to Memphis for Jon's family reunion, now nearly a month ago, Eli was issued his own boarding ticket. "TURNER/ ELIJAH D"it read on the top of the card. For some reason the other few places that had his name in print, even the birth certificate, didn't feel as deeply satisfying and validating as that Southwest boarding pass. "He exists. He bears the name you chose. You have a son now. He is real."
I can also say that, observing myself, motherhood has made me broader, softer. More tender. Less brittle, less capricious. More likely to consider pink as a clothing choice, even!
Estrella the cat continues to bring us snakes as gifts, has since the birth of our baby. With a healthy belief in animals as communicators from the spirit world, I take this in stride. (Aside from when I left the baby asleep outdoors, only to return to see the cat a few feet away from him, curled around her prize, the snake still writhing. Biblical or evolutionary, up close snakes can still be a little creepy!) The snake represents transformation, healing, a literal shedding of one's skin to start anew. Does the spirit world think I need a little convincing? Snakes have been arriving at a regular pace, so…
I miss my friends in California that used to provide my life's day-to-day structure. I wish all the more I could share this new family experience with them and soak up their fresh perspectives. And if I let my mind stray, I miss-- even mourn-- my Petaluma garden, which just a year ago was going full throttle in anticipation of its starring role at our wedding reception.
But I look out to my new backyard, our new little garden, my new little baby making cooing sleep noises beside me, while my new husband slumbers like a bear in our bed, having pulled "the late shift" last night. And it seems I'm beginning to hear the snakes' message, sometimes reluctantly. It's the call, the oath of motherhood. This morning, heavy with humidity but still with a pleasant breezy coolness in the trees, I hear it over the rippling wind chime on our porch.
And I answer, "I'm here."
Mama's here, sweet boy.
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| So in love. |
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| He had nudged his way over until we were cheek to cheek, then just stayed there, cuddling. |
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| They're both champion postprandial nappers. |
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| Our summertime backyard |
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| Conked out with Great Grandma. |
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| He has the best smiles! |
