A Week in Review

Although I am now at the end of my fourth week back to work, and there is much more to be said, I'd like to share what I wrote in my journal after my first week back.

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It has been a very tough week.  I've cried several times a day, every day.  I cried when I was telling Eli it would be a big day, driving south on I-75 to work and his (our) first day with day care.  I cry when I sing to him -- something that happened when he was first born, too.  I can't get through a lullaby without choking up, just overwhelmed with this love.

For starters, to describe this mother's love for her child:  I unabashedly sing for him.  Loud, throaty, sincere, and passionately.  Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" and Gillian Welch's "Elvis Presley Blues" are some of our favorites.  Hymns.   Spirituals.  Chanting.  "Piano Man" by Billy Joel -- but I have to hum between the snippets of lyrics I actually know.  And I love singing to Eli, whereas before I only really felt comfortable singing with my full voice in church or other sacred-type settings.

"Hi, Mom!"  

This week I also cried in frustration when he was awake, again, in the middle of the night, just 40 minutes later.  I cried out of exhaustion and uncertainty, unsure how to best comfort my baby, both with a long-term "sleep plan" and in the present moment.  I sagged against the crib, everything tunneling to this moment.   The night light cast long, familiar shadows over the room.

I cried over dinner following my second day at work, after the energetic nanny told me Eli had rolled over that day for her, practically his first time.  He'd rolled over twice (by accident?) on my birthday nearly two months ago, but hadn't since.  That day I'd also spilled half a bottle of breast milk on my lap after pumping at work.  A colleague had said I'd "looked upset" at the noontime provider meeting-- something about permitting my emotions to be visible to others, mere professional acquaintances at this point, was more upsetting than anything!

But now it's the weekend, and the salve of Saturday is upon us.  We dedicated a "family waterpark-in-the-backyard" day today.  Little dude got in the baby pool for the first time today!!  I first halfway submerged him in the water by himself, then sat with him, supporting him first standing, then sitting, then completely lying in the water.  It felt great for both of us, splashing and laughing.  Plus the cool of the water-- yesterday had a heat index (def.:  a quantity expressing the discomfort felt as a result of the combined effects of the temperature and humidity of the air, a term one doesn't hear in the weather report in California, ever) of 108!

Now as we sit on our patio in the evening, Jon and I boast to each other how adapted we are to the heat and humidity.  It's past 9, nearly dark, and the temperature gauge reads 85, the air still heavy.  In California I had missed wearing a sundress through the late evening.  Now, reminding me of my teenage summers partying around pasture bonfires, here I am, warm and sleeveless under the stars.

I'd also missed the cooing of doves in the early mornings and evenings.  And the fireflies!!

As part of the backyard water park experience, we'd set up a sprinkler we had used in the past for our Petaluma veggie garden.  Just a cheapo, but it provided great rays of water flipping around the yard!  Super fun-- Jon and I ran through it like children.

To relax after the water fun, Eli and I laid on blankets and looked up at the clouds together.  He likes looking at leaves, trees, and sky-- something with the contrast of sunlight and dappling shade, bright open sky beyond the rippling leaves.  I also believe green is an evolutionarily appealing color, naturally calming to our deeply instinctual brains.

This has been an incredibly, uniquely challenging week.  Sleep deprivation.  Giant hormone shifts.  New anxieties.  A monster of worry for the safety of my child, for his sense of security and balance in the world.  And I feel my own workaholism, kept at bay in different ways, rear itself back up to stare me in the face...  More on that later.

But life, in general, is pretty great.  I have an even-tempered, loving, handsome, relaxed baby boy who brings such sweet and meaningful moments to our lives we scarce feel we existed before he came aboard.

This has to be my all-time favorite photo of Eli yet, taken by my Aunt Jann, a talented photographer.  

2 Month Check-Up

These are sweet days.  They can begin like today, with the soft morning light spilling in through the window, me up with my baby to nurse, and then we sit gently together, enjoying the Midwestern early summer air as the morning comes on.  Other days I gruffly hand him to Jon and roll over to go back to sleep, waking not until late in the morning to find half the day has already passed and I miss him, I yearn for him again.  In this way, 2 months have come and gone since Eli was born.  Sweet baby angel.

He is growing fast!  At his 2 month check-up yesterday, he weighed 14 pounds 4 ounces -- although I was afraid perhaps he'd weigh even more -- and had grown from 20 inches at birth to 23 1/2 inches yesterday.  Three and a half inches in 2 months-- it's amazing!  He had his first shot, DTaP, and did well-- perhaps why he slept until 4 am last night without waking.  Thrilling-- we'll see if the trend lasts.

Motherhood is not something I can yet really define.  It's so far a blurry blend of extremely close observation of this new being's movements, sounds, and whims; burning nipples and breasts that have an aliveness to them that is not altogether pleasant; diaper dilemmas (e.g. which cloth diaper system works best?  is it worth doing cloth while out and about?  How to clean a poop stain that covers more than 50% of that adorable outfit?); a blossoming appreciation for an entirely new dimension emerging gin my still-newlywed husband, now also an adoring and doting father.  He is a beautiful man, radiant it all.  I love watching him with our baby.

When we flew to Memphis for Jon's family reunion, now nearly a month ago, Eli was issued his own boarding ticket.  "TURNER/ ELIJAH D"it read on the top of the card.  For some reason the other few places that had his name in print, even the birth certificate, didn't feel as deeply satisfying and validating as that Southwest boarding pass.  "He exists.  He bears the name you chose.  You have a son now.  He is real."

I can also say that, observing myself, motherhood has made me broader, softer.  More tender.  Less brittle, less capricious.  More likely to consider pink as a clothing choice, even!

Estrella the cat continues to bring us snakes as gifts, has since the birth of our baby.  With a healthy belief in animals as communicators from the spirit world, I take this in stride.  (Aside from when I left the baby asleep outdoors, only to return to see the cat a few feet away from him, curled around her prize, the snake still writhing.  Biblical or evolutionary, up close snakes can still be a little creepy!)  The snake represents transformation, healing, a literal shedding of one's skin to start anew.  Does the spirit world think I need a little convincing?  Snakes have been arriving at a regular pace, so…

I miss my friends in California that used to provide my life's day-to-day structure.  I wish all the more I could share this new family experience with them and soak up their fresh perspectives.  And if I let my mind stray, I miss-- even mourn-- my Petaluma garden, which just a year ago was going full throttle in anticipation of its starring role at our wedding reception.

But I look out to my new backyard, our new little garden, my new little baby making cooing sleep noises beside me, while my new husband slumbers like a bear in our bed, having pulled "the late shift" last night.  And it seems I'm beginning to hear the snakes' message, sometimes reluctantly.  It's the call, the oath of motherhood.  This morning, heavy with humidity but still with a pleasant breezy coolness in the trees, I hear it over the rippling wind chime on our porch.

And I answer, "I'm here."

Mama's here, sweet boy.

So in love.

He had nudged his way over until we were cheek to cheek, then just stayed there, cuddling.  

They're both champion postprandial nappers.

Our summertime backyard

Conked out with Great Grandma.

He has the best smiles!  

Springing Forward

Wow, I knew it had been some time… I hadn't thought over a month!  But as time passed, it seemed more and more daunting to summarize all that has transpired.  But today is the day, for it is a day of needed rest.  Yesterday I developed some sniffles and was sneezing quite a bit… horrors!  After 7 years of resisting Sonoma county's infamous pollen count, could I have developed allergies to Nebraska pollen?!?  I have always been so proud of my farm girl constitution and allergen exposure, supposedly making me immune for life… So out came the netipot.  But today it may be more consistent with a run of the mill cold… we'll see.  Either way, it puts my nesting projects on hold.

I am at 37+5 today!  Feeling big and awkward, and definitely slowing down.  I'm still working and am scheduled to end at 39 weeks.  I may trim down from 3 to 2 days these last few weeks, as I find that instinctively it feels all wrong to be at work, putting energy out towards others when it feels I should be directing all energy towards nurturing my baby and myself.

Most thoughts these days are consumed with baby:  reading breastfeeding books, securing the diaper service, finalizing the placenta encapsulation plans (yeah!).  Finishing up the acquiring of stuff:  it felt really weird ordering big items like the stroller and car seat online, but no stores carried what we wanted-- so, especially w/ the car seat, hoping it will all arrive on time.  I pulled out the songs Lauren wrote down for my blessing way, and have been enjoying singing and humming them around the house and to my baby boy-- it makes me feel wrapped in a special sort of Sonoma county love.

My baby shower was this past weekend, hosted by my sister Claire, and my mother's two sisters, Aunt Jann and Aunt Jill.  It was an excellent reminder what a wonderful circle of strong family women I am surrounded by here in Omaha, also.  Jon's mother, his babysitter from 6 weeks old who is now like his second mother, and sister-in-law also drove up from Mississippi.  There is nothing like collective crooning to lift a pregnant gal's spirits and confidence.  :)

Mom, Claire and I at the shower

Speaking of lifted spirits… with this past weekend's daylight savings time shift came a huge shift in the weather.  Last week started out with highs still in the teens, but by the weekend temperatures soared into the 60s.  This whole week has expected highs in the 60s and 70s.  Hurrah!  Combined with lengthier hours of light at nighttime, we now feel compelled towards being OUT of the house rather than the hibernation state we had settled into.  Truly, Jon and I were both independently suffering from some version of dysphoria, which I guess shouldn't have been much of a surprise.  There have been a  combination of forces that have made things difficult:  enduring 2 months of frigid cold and relative social isolation as we sort out a possible new life, anticipating an entire upending of everything anyway with the birth of our first child.  I felt I'd adapted okay to the climate as it's my native land, but the increasing heaviness of my body weighed also on my mind.  My poor husband grew up in a place where winter accessories were never needed; in Omaha, he has found the necessity of the feel of his fingertips on the steering wheel to be larger than the need to wear gloves.  He's endured freezing hands all this time (which has been difficult for me to understand)!

Me feeling big and even a little grouchy, a few days before the weather improved everything

But now sunshine brings forth the promise of springtime!  More and more birds are joining in song to greet the day.  Estrella finally finds it palatable to go outdoors to explore.  And we've discovered yet-to-be-identified bulbs pushing forth through the soil in both the back and front yard.  It's so great to see little nibs of green!!  As I become only greater with child, this early springtime feels like the perfect season in which to give birth.  I suspect I still have some waiting… in the meantime I have plenty of little springtime-baby-self care-planting-planning-dreaming projects to keep me occupied.

A finished project, flannel cloth baby wipes… although my sister warns me this may be somewhat overambitious and impractical… and perhaps the white background wasn't a good idea, even though the frogs were so cute?

Climate Change

My work schedule is pretty great-- I work Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  So Monday off helps to ease into the week, and Wednesday off helps to break up the "work week."  It's pretty awesome.  Can't complain.  More about the actual work in a bit.  But this morning, seeing the second snowfall in the past week coming down and highs expected only in the teens, I decided I probably wouldn't be going out for the day.  Over a hot cocoa and toast breakfast, I settled in to read some local news on-line.

I grew up reading the Omaha World Herald-- it's the biggest paper in Nebraska, and we got it daily for most of my childhood.  Claire and I were usually most interested in the "Living" section, particularly the comics.  But as we matured we read other sections, too.

Aside from leafing through the paper at my grandparents when visiting, I haven't read the World Herald in years.  This morning I was most struck by the stark contrast in tone from the manner the news is presented, but even the content of the news! from what we are used to.  As if I didn't already know it, this just reaffirmed the dramatically different, conservative climate we now live in.  It's surprising how different two areas of the country really can be.  Here's two articles as prime examples:

http://www.omaha.com/news/nebraska/promote-meatless-monday-not-here-unl-says/article_ca6a4bb8-e044-5ad4-8c5b-57efeed8ac82.html

--(apparently, because "livelihoods are at stake," we cannot talk about the environment or our health here…)

http://www.omaha.com/news/legislature/i-think-we-just-recognized-gay-marriage-lawmaker-says-after/article_ec438da2-9d0f-54ff-a8cc-9491e4564730.html

--(as several commenters noted, how interesting that NE lawmakers find it more comfortable to acknowledge same-sex rights through gun possession rather than marriage)

And speaking of the climate… because that's what everyone's talking about here, the Midwest has been dumped on with snow.  Saturday through Sunday we got about 8 inches of snow.  It was a very pretty, wet, heavy snow which caused several school closings.  Jon and Estrella both were fascinated with the snowfall, as it was the most significant snow they'd ever seen.  Jon  also got in on his first snow shoveling experience!  Later, doing the boy-playing-in-snow thing driving/ sliding around the neighborhood in 4WD, he observed, "Now I see why most people are out with their snow blowers!"  I'm not that used to driving in snow in my little car, either, so I was grateful to head to work on a day when most roads were plowed.  Today again many schools are closed due to the new snowfall, and again conveniently and cozily, I get to sit inside and watch.

View from our front door on Sunday-- you can barely see my car in the driveway!

These daffodils I dug up from our garden in Petaluma, as they were just starting to put forth sprouts in December.  I brought them in a pot, anticipating they might bring needed brightness to our home in wintertime Nebraska.  The first bloomed the day it started snowing!  View from our kitchen window to the backyard (see the trellis from our wedding?)

Estrella watching the snow, fascinated

And speaking of work!  So I've now been orienting for about 2 weeks.  It's been a nice, slow orientation process-- as in, yesterday was the first day I saw patients on my own.  And I'll still be shadowing patients at the other location at the end of this week!  Tuesdays and Thursdays I am at Community Alliance, a wonderful organization which provides mostly social services for adults with mental illness.  They have departments for homeless services, acute needs clients (those who have required significant inpatient stabilization), their own residential apartment units, and most significantly day programs.  Every day during the week they serve breakfast and lunch, with an extensive schedule for groups (which of course warms my heart, as groups are where it's at!!  no matter what the population, from "Group" in Residency to shared medical visits in clinic, the sharing of mutual experience is where we gain our sense of community and shed social isolation).  Every hour there are 4-5 group offerings, with such diverse themes as "Understanding Your Diagnosis," "Art & Poetry," "Trust 101," "Science," "What's Up, Doc?" and, one of my favorites, "In Your Dreams."  I sat in on "Schizophrenia & Schizoaffective Disorder," where they were finishing up on discussing delusions and moving on to hallucinations, and the next day "Attitudes of Hope," where the topic of the day was "using humor in times of darkness."  The last half of that group was everyone sharing jokes which was, as you can imagine, in itself darkly humorous.  It was great.  I loved it.

Community Alliance:  http://www.community-alliance.org

So Community Alliance (CA) is full of amazing people who have been drawn to do amazing work.  And tucked to the right, just past the front door, is our little clinic.  Two years ago CA received a grant to fund a primary care clinic for their client population.  While all of their clients have a psychiatrist (it's a requirement for the program), few had regular primary care.  Recognizing the need to help with out of control hypertension, diabetes, and so much more, the clinic was born.  They approached One World, the community health center which is my actual employer, to fill this need.  I've been brought in as an MD, as prior it was only staffed by an NP.  When I am there I am the only primary care provider, surrounded by support staff:  an MA, RN, 3 health navigators, a wellness coordinator, the program director AND a full time psychiatrist.  Six patients per half day is the max scheduled.  While granted there are more complexities in helping with this population, with such an army of support, it feels amazing.  The patients aren't so different from those we all have seen in community health centers.

One World:  http://www.oneworldomaha.org

I work at One World on Fridays.  I'll start out prior to maternity leave with a full day of regular clinic, and on my return do half a day regular clinic and half a day of acupuncture.  I'm anticipating this may expand to a full day-- if demand/ referrals are what they should be.  One World is indeed impressive in their mission and what they offer.  Fully dedicated to improving health in their community, the largely Latino South Omaha, they operate three low-cost housing units (one for adults, two for seniors) and, my favorite, own the Community Learning Center, which among other programs provides low-cost ESL classes with free childcare.  They've expanded to several new sites in the past decade in West Omaha, 4 schools, and are now discussing rural sites.

The clinic environment is… well, it seems a lot like any community health center.  Fortunately or unfortunately.  Chaotic, rushed, but with friendly staff all around to help.  Instead of Vocera they use Walkie Talkies (a bit humorous) between patients to communicate their patient's needs prior to moving to the next.  The EMR here is NextGen which has left me really missing ECW and all of the work Danielle Oryn did to make it user friendly and streamlined (e.g. there is nowhere to free text PMHx or Social Hx.  I can't see meds on the main screen, but must go to a different module to order meds, then enter again if I want that to show up in my note.  No templates!  No stored physical exam findings!  And the screen is all black, white, and blue).

And, having shadowed 3 physicians there with very different styles, there is a consistent use of medication for this, that, and everything.  Which is not that different from the entire country's health system mode of operation, but… it only takes a few times to see someone on adderall, valium, risperidone, and morphine to get an idea of what is (and is not) happening here.  I'm sure I'll get used to things.  And make my own way.  Already I've had different staff members voice some sort of excitement that I do acupuncture and "holistic medicine."  I had a patient yesterday at Community Alliance who'd gotten herself off all psych meds and was doing great (seeing on her own that the depression diagnosis and meds that started at 15yo were more the result of the trauma she'd experienced than a chemical imbalance) who said, very hesitantly when I asked about her diet, "Um… I do paleo?"  As if I wouldn't recognize it or would ridicule it.

And then I have to laugh at myself a bit, comparing these experiences to my friend Nicki's experiences in Rwanda as she works to establish an ER residency program there (she has a blog, too, where I partially got the idea!).  These cultural differences are minute compared to those she sees everyday.

And then… a little baby talk.  Baby boy is kicking and growing.  I had been freaking out or… we'll say "hyper focusing" on his position, as our first midwife appointment two weeks ago he was transverse.  Reading online, especially the very detailed information on the website spinning babies.com, I started to get nervous about him not being head down by 32 weeks.  So every night I was trying to check his position (w/ an anterior placenta, a little harder… and it's hard to be objective when it's your own belly and baby), and doing all these inversions and pelvic balancing exercises.  Last night was our second midwife appointment, and I was happy to be reassured his head's in the right place.  So.  Yay.  :)  There's still apparently a lot of exercises I can do to help him not be OP, but maybe I can relax a little…

Estrella is such a sweet cat, cuddling up w/ my belly.  (Don't fret, that IS a bio-dot mat you can sort-of see under my shirt, protecting baby from the computer's electromagnetic frequencies!!  :)  

Now I'm going to go bundle up like I used to on wintry days on the farm, head outside, enjoy the crisp weather, and try my own hand at snow shoveling… it's been awhile for me, too!

We've Arrived!

Good morning!  We finally got internet set up yesterday (with smart phones, these days it doesn't feel as urgent), so I thought today might be a good opportunity to write my first post.  Tomorrow is my first day of my new job, too.  So perhaps a good time to reflect.

We've now been in Nebraska for nearly two weeks, having pulled out of our beloved west Petaluma home Monday, January 5th.  The preceding weeks were really crazy.  The weekend immediately prior to the move was particularly emotionally messy.  Basically a peak of weeks of tension and stress that Jon and I had been experiencing both individually and also in our relationship with each other.  Both my mom and his dad were there, adding elements of family patterns.  All the deep fears came out in the way they do in the eye of the storm, especially as I've found during pregnancy.

But, as always, a new day broke with healing and promise.

Our last Dillon Beach sunset… for awhile

Everything was cleaned (even the 2 year old meat juice leak in the fridge I never cleaned, thanks Mom!) and packed, and even, thanks to our dear friends and neighbors, our herb/ flower garden was completely cleared out.  I was more relieved than sad about the latter, as the grouchy owner of the house had, to me unbelievably, requested we remove all plants!  The landlord modified this by telling us to "do our best," but in the end I was happy to ensure that at least my beloved plants would find homes with caring hands.  Some of you have a few of these plants-- thank you for loving them!!

Our cross country drive went relatively without incident, other than creeping along at times:  Jon and his dad drove the giant 26 foot Penske truck pulling my car behind, while Mom and I followed in Jon's SUV.  The truck would fall to 30-40 MPH going up any significant incline, but that was okay.  It was probably just what we needed, to have some quiet, contemplative time to rest and have an isolated mother-daughter space.  We also had Estrella in the car with us, with a nice little nest for her litter box and several comfy perch spots.  I dosed her with Bach's Rescue Remedy for pets, which I'm a totally believer in-- she was a little trembly the first day, sitting on my lap mostly while I was driving.  After that, she seemed to adjust and be as comfortable as she could be given the circumstances.  Particularly because we were staying in "pet friendly" hotels, and I imagine the multiple other pet smells there were also grating her nerves.  Most hotel clerks said, "A cat?!  Mostly we have dogs."  Of course, because most people don't find it compelling to road trip with their cat.

One of Estrella's comfy spots in the car, with Mom driving

Neither she nor I are sure about the concept of cat walking...

We arrived in Omaha late afternoon on Thursday the 8th, as dusk was falling and the temperatures were dropping from 15 degrees on down.  While waiting for the guys in the truck to arrive (we'd gone ahead), Mom found a broom and swept the snow from the sidewalks and driveway (at least 2 inches)!  And then Mom's cousin Rusty and his 4 very able-bodied sons, all with various shades of red hair, a veritable "Army of Rustys" arrived, along with a handful of other family, and our truck was unloaded in record time-- despite the dark and frosty weather.  We were officially welcomed with open hearts, hearty constitutions, and strong arms.

Since, Jon and I have slowly been unpacking and "recalibrating," as I've been calling it.  Settling and testing out the new soil our roots have found here.  Our hearts have found their way back to each other's.  As the stress hormones fall, I've had days of complete exhaustion-- one day where I barely did anything, just sat on the couch and read and drank tea.  It's hard for me not to do things, particularly when it's clear there is so much to do.  But I appreciate the lessons of pregnancy, the leniency it's allowed me to give myself (because, of course, right?  we're hardest on ourselves with our expectations and judgement, etc. etc.).  It's still a challenge at times to overcome the hardwiring, though.

The kitchen, shortly after arrival.  Super fancy appliances and cabinets!

After the snow has thawed… our new home!  1819 N. 49th St, Omaha, NE 68104

Our living room, looking towards the backyard and peeking through to the kitchen.  Everything still in transition.

I also feel grateful the enormous task of moving across the country that loomed large for my pregnancy to this point is generally past.  The move made both a physical and emotional separation between the "here now" in Petaluma, and the "future there" in Omaha.  I now feel like I can more completely focus on the birth as the most exciting thing to occupy my thoughts and preparations.  And the baby is moving more than ever, so he's reminding me of his presence quite actively these days.

I didn't feel much of a connection to my prenatal provider in Santa Rosa, and felt mostly like I was being my own guide through my first 7 months of pregnancy.  I highly anticipated my first appointment here at the only free-standing birth center in Nebraska, which was last Friday.  It already feels dramatically different to see the location where I will give birth, to begin relationships with the people who will help with my birth.  There's a few things I'd still like to work out with how I feel about the place, but more about that later.

Tomorrow is my first day of work!  They'll start me out with a fairly slow orientation process it seems, just 3 days a week which I'll stick with even after returning from maternity leave.  My "sabbatical" time now draws to a close.  It wasn't completely without work, as some weeks I worked a fair amount, but it was removed from the feeling of much responsibility toward my employer.  A lot more freedom of time.  Although I had many busy plans for activities, conferences, classes, courses to fill this time, I completed few of them.  Instead I started my pregnancy.  Thought about things a lot.  Rested abundantly.  Joyfully spent last days in my first real garden of my own.  Harvested herbs and seeds to carry through the winter and to future seasons in our new home.  Preserved the fruits of the trees.  Read books both silly and informative.  Talked with cherished friends.  Opened my heart further to my husband in our first months of the discovery of marriage.

In other words, just the work that needed to be done.

30 weeks and 4 days